I’m sitting at my table listening to Ted Talks—
Like I used to years ago in my attic apartment of the old house I owned. I was parallel with the trees in the sloped top of the old character home. I lived in the romance of my cute little place. That was a truth. I felt happy there—safe. The other truth was that there were mice, and critters—spiders, too many of them. There was a bat once. Yes, bat—in the middle of the night. A story for another time. The roof leaked and the doors didn’t shut properly on any room. Sometimes even the front door didn’t latch properly.
Today, in my new house, I’m sitting at my table…it’s a second-hand table, teak, and I love it. Gifted from a friend. I spent a part of this day making art, journaling, drinking a cold drink, and listening to the Ted Talks I mentioned above.
Things are the same but different.
I am happy, and safe but different than years ago. I managed well enough then but I knew that there was more to it all and that there was a potential joy that was just out of my grasp. I could feel it but I wasn’t living it. Now I sit in this comfortable goodness. A satisfaction, a happiness I feel that maybe I earned, in part, through this journey.
I only have a few years left of teaching. My legal shenanigans are over. I have a good man. I love my life. My thoughts wander to beautiful moments that have happened, wander to beautiful plans that will be. I don’t enter into the wild unsteady preoccupations I used to because it doesn’t benefit me. It doesn’t mean I’m not strong. It simply means now is my turn to live peacefully, rest, and reap.
The glass in front of me is sweating from the homemade iced tea. I have an impenetrable wall of boundaries. It’s a beauty of a wall. I think I deserve all the kindness and I deserve all the successes, not just a little. So some things are the same but mostly I am different. It’s been a job, this evolution but it’s been important. Maybe the details of that evolution will be a blog post I’ll write someday. But, ultimately, it’s important to be the most me I can be. It’s a lesson for everyone, really, to just spend life not losing oneself but creating a really awesome self.
Just an after-work musing.
As always thank you for reading, lovelies.